hanging out in a garage

while i am bummed out that the rapture didn’t happen (it never will, suckers) because i had big plans to do some looting, it’s time to get back to business.

the ho and i spent a day with eric nemzer, his brother chris, his wonderful wife jennifer, their amazing kids, and eric’s mom at his l’estate du karnage in the georgian woods north of atlanta. after running up to charlotte on monday from tampa to visit paul at aeromach on tuesday morning, we slept for five hours and took off for georgia where i proceeded to get wasted with the karnage family.

we really enjoyed the bit of property eric and jennifer have made for themselves. they are really secluded and it’s truly beautiful. the photo below is their back yard.

i made my infamous bathtub-stirred buttmunch gargle juice. the recipe is one part mad dog 20/20 orange jubilee, one part mountain dew, a bit of not-from-concentrate orange juice, a dash of tabasco, and a slice of lime to line the lip of the drink. it was a drink i created out of necessity in new orleans during the summer of 2005 and it fired me up to write what became “shoot forth thunder.” it’s the drink of troublemakers and poetry and a special brand of “f**k you” wackiness.

we said things i can barely remember but i think for the most part we laughed at ourselves and planned for our imminent mastery of the metric motorbike planet. we considered steps eric might want to take to grow his business into an incredibly profitable venture. it will happen, folks. eric is the real deal whom you can trust to build a clean and killer custom metric motorbike in any style you choose. i cannot recommend a finer garage-builder in all of america after putting him through my paces of mad liquor and crazy world domination schemes.

my memory is a bit mushy since may 14th at dime city but if what is left of my synapses serve me right, about the time we started getting buzzed i went off on a “hurt the bankers/freedom or death/stick it to the corporate man/rapture” rant with a few tasty statistics which drove eric to produce his family’s home security system. the immediate consensus was that it would be a great idea for me to pose with it in a semi-threatening manner.

being high on mad dog, gasoline fumes, and myself, i wished to buy it from him but refrained from asking as he told me how it was handed down to him by his father. instead, we laughed about making a holster for the machine where i would some day carry my own post-apocalyptic zombie slayer.

while the girls talked about how crazy they are for loving us, eric, chris and i proceeded to get s**tfaced on my mad mix while talking shop. we discussed his award-winning xs500 cafe, eric’s plans for his kawasaki 750 rat chop, threw around ideas for a couple other bikes he has in his shop, and came to some conclusions about what to do with the rake and trail on the FREEDOM or DEATH MACHINE. mister nemzer is going to straighten out the beast. look for updates as eric makes a frame jig and starts cutting into his first 100% custom motorcycle frame.

even after getting the shaft from the guy who built it crooked and unmanageable a year ago, i trust eric. it was easy to do after meeting him and his family. soon the ForD will be running around new orleans as i work to promote all things metric motorcycle while assisting the city i love more than any other in the world.

it’s all part of my plan for world domination.

grabbing your own ***** is obviously part of the plan. motherf***ers.

by this time we’d come pretty close to polishing off the buttmunch gargle juice and everything was a joke. from then onward we dove into eric’s stash of natural light, the most hideous beer in america, but what did we care? we had just polished off about 70 ounces of mad dog. the girls were amusing themselves in deep conversation, at times taking pix of our discussions as the men became alternately very serious and silly.

the dog in some of these photos is my nine year old cocker spaniel, turbodog. he was saved from death in the county pound by a cocker rescue in phoenix and i adopted him shortly afterward in early 2008. he’s had a great time on the Pimp & Ho Tour and everyone who meets him gets a waggy **** and a big smile. it’s been an exciting trip for him.

in the photo above he is listening to eric illustrate how he will mount a specific fender.

then, i am unsure exactly when, the ladies went to bed and we continued consuming alcoholic beverages, laughing, and taking photos, until four in the morning. during our binge we thought it would be a good idea to pour beer over eric’s dime city trophy (sacrilege!) and take photos of the hilarity (blasphemy!).

then i started talking like i knew everything when in all seriousness, i don’t know anything. i believe i’ve written that here before.

still, we still managed a lot of laughs.

blurryness happens.

the ho and i had a wonderful time and promised to stay much longer next time. unfortunately for this visit, we had to hit the road back to new orleans.

during the bikerMetric Pimp & Ho Tour we met some great people i have yet to write about. just because the tour is over, don’t expect the tales to end. i must share interesting and informative things about biloxi, photos by gulf coast motorcycles’ tech, peter, and more if i can sort out the emails and biz cards into another relatively coherent post.

stupid new orleans. it calls me to go out and experience it. austin and knoxville kept me inside working 16 hours a day. this town…. not so much.

therefore, let us thank *** we are all sinners, for if we were not, we’d be in heaven where i do not believe there are titty bars, beer, tobacco, and w*****. are there custom metric bobbers in heaven? is there an*l ***? what about ahi tuna steak? do our spirits crave nothing?

f**k that.

let the fools who take themselves too seriously do that unto the death of the world as we know it. amen and amen. for the world as we know it is f***ed up. the world of my dreams is something different…

we’re going to rule it, and we’re going to have fun, you motherf***ers.

oh! today i saw a mythbusters episode where they discover that cursing actually enhances one’s tolerance for pain.

i am king of metaphor!

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