“I’ll stab you in the face!”
Not really. That was a drunk in the street this afternoon. We were drinking, too. He was yelling at nobody on the corner as I was walking by with the woman who inexplicably loves me. I turned, released the four-inch Winchester blade from my bag, stolen from Walmart during Katrina, and pointed it at him.
“You were saying?”
You remember when you were a kid and watched Looney Toons on Saturday morning? Remember the Wile E. Coyote jaw drop every time he stepped off a cliff or realized he was about to be blown up? That’s what this guy looked like as I pointed my blade at his throat.
“Who is going to get stabbed in the face?” I asked him.
“**** straight, motherf***er. Now shut up and be thankful.”
The inexplicable woman tugged at my arm. Beer makes me unafraid and maybe too bold. We walked. “Be thankful,” I thought to myself.
“Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape.” – William S. Burroughs
Been thinking a lot about New Orleans and what I experienced there. The Freedom or Death bike will be a clear statement of what I learned from that city and it’s weather. I’m working for drastic change, ladies and gentlemen. If you can afford fifty grand for a chromed-out, 300mm, tribal paint scheme “custom,” hooray for you. Now back away and out the door slowly.
I believe I am uniquely qualified to see this drastic change done. Filled as I am with hope and prayers of vengeance, realizing few live up to their Lord’s ideal.
With these thoughts in mind, I’d like to thank those who have offered their work to help build our bike, being partners in my mad vision of freedom and death. Please visit their websites and bikerMetric readers, thank you for supporting these builders and their endeavors as lovers of liberty and our pursuit of happiness. For everyone. Everywhere. The dumbass ******** they may be.
First is Elswick Cycles. These crazy bastards have sent us a hardtail frame, handlebars, and an “oil tank” that will actually function as a secondary fuel tank, with fuel site gauges. Robert and Jamie Elswick are a huge reason why the bike will be built and I’ve woken from a dream of laughing with them in a sparse and dark local bar in their town. I hope that happens some day.
“dear daddy, i write you in spite of years of silence. you’ve cleaned up. found jesus. things are good or so i hear. this bootle of stevens awakwens ancient feelings. like father, step-father; the son is drowning in the flood. yeah.”
Besides the hardass weld-on and the secondary gallon, these gentlemen offered slick handlebars and helped the bike stay narrow and lean – great for splitting lanes and lowering the center of gravity – while using an empty space within the frame tubes constructively. A chopper has nothing on it that isn’t made to simply make it go. Everything else is decorative.
“Your ***** is glued to a building on fire.” – John Frusciante
I like to decorate myself in *****. Thank *** for strip clubs, titty bars, paycheck gobbling hellmouths, or whatever you call them. Don’t try the URL of the image of the purple diamond girl. She’s mine. Don’t Google them, either. Just go in unaware of anything but my recommendation like men used to do in days when adventure existed and experiences were new, before people went anywhere not emotionally contrived by expectations built by virtual worlds of opinion that one atom bomb could wipe out. One opinion is all you need to be a man. Either that or f**k it. Don’t bother. If you go to Femme Nu, bring at least two hundred bucks, plan to spend it all, and tell the doorman, if he’s a huge Hawaiian dude, that Indigo says, “Hello, Reggie.” If you wanna pierce your nipples, he’ll do that, too. Tomorrow. Betcha two hundred bucks he pierced the ******* of half the girls in the club. Be nice to him.
Try getting that kind of info from your favorite biker blog, unless this is it, then thanks. Stand by for more cool stuff.
7 Metal West is sending us a fender. That’s something to be thankful for. Dan is the man at 7 Metal. Jeff is talking with him about what we’re looking for and we’re very excited to have 7 Metal West donating a fender.
Next thankful thought is for the Dirty Dog, a crazy redneck biker bar on Sixth Street. They will be hosting a bikerMetric party on Friday, June 10th. That’s the first day of the Republic of Texas bike rally. Gallagher will be at the rally! Thank *** we’ll be at the Dirty Dog listening to outlaw country covers and originals by Earl Hinton; trailer trash, drunken, falling-out-of-your-tee-shirt liquor-soaked hussy rock by Thunderosa; and some other bands who are at this moment going “who are you and why do we… what?”
At the Dirty Dog that day, beware: If it says “Harley Dividson” on you more than once, you’ll be ridiculed behind your back. If it says it on everything you wear… BOOOO-oooo-AHHHhhhhh-ooooOOO! **** Zombies. Always eating my brain. I try to escape but it’s no use. They’re everywhere. On TV. On the freeway. At work. OH *** NO! They’re my boss! I have to kill them but how? I KNOW!
Then I’m gonna run over the zombies a trillion times, like a repetitive nightmare narrated by that dead dude who screamed about stuff on TV ads while my bike is squirting oozy zombie guts from under my spinning wheels all over Toyota Priuses and crying children.
The zombie Billy Mays and the angry ShamWow dude, kissing.
But wait! There’s more!
If anybody knows who built that bike, please comment below.
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