friday’s post of cool stuff #50: pirates!

yes, ’tis known t’ be saturday.

on thursday i received a cryptic scrawl hammered t’ me facebook’s hull from mr. chris hunter, cap’n of the fair ship BikeEXIF, stating in no uncertain terms that he was “gonna link to me” in the next BikeEXIF manifesto. i suspected he’d peered into the depths of my pirateShip’s bellows t’ discover this rum-soaked treasure map. it was that, or a certain scallywag had been slanderin’ me bad name as if i was a lubber! arr!

regardless o’ whatever caused such threats, i be determined t’ fight onward, come what may! i belied surrender and cap’n hunter retorted by a message arrivin’ by a bottle tied t’ a pelican’s beak after i’d sailed seaward an’ it stated, “be eyein’ this with pleasure.”

the flag of the dreaded pirate blackbeard

i’m sure he was. arr!

okay. by now yer wonderin’ what t’ f**k be t’ deal with me incessant pirate talk. if ye read the first sentence of mr. hunter’s post on his fair ship, he clearly states that yers truly, cap’n reker, “is one wave short of a shipwreck: alternately funny and profane, he’s the closest thing to hunter s. thompson in the online motorcycling world.” the flattery almost tipped me of me plank, as cap’n thompson first learned me the waves of the writer’s seas as a young man seeking adventure, but me and me ship is incredibly worthy an’ can take any wave, sir! arr!

bikerMetric FREEDOM or DEATH PIRATE SHIP

tharfore i must say t’ that a duel is justified, an’ cap’n hunter may choose th’ weapon, but i choose th’ port!

mwarrr har har har har!

cap’n reker, voodoo zombie pirate, sailin’ t’ the port of new orleans!

in the comments left on cap’n hunter’s desk, two scallywags named M an’ Emmet wrote nice thin’s about me ship an’ i’d like t’ toast their do goodins with me mug o’ grog! “here here!” if ye ever wish t’ sail with me, ‘twould be an honor, gentlemen. i shall instruct my stable of wenches t’ please ye properly with such things as back rubbin’ an’ mead fetchin’.

bikerMetric wench (soon to be head wench)

before we continue, me mead-addled mind perceived a primer in pirate talk might be o’ assistance t’ those of ye caught unawares o’ th’ language of privateers:

now ahoy, ye parrot-lovin’ bilge rats! ’tis time t’ introduce thine eyes an’ acknowledge our fine new crew members!

billy Nahn runs a clothing an’ accessory company called vizzibl that makes reflective clothing, riding gear an’ other plunder for surfers, skaters, dog walkers, hikers an’ folks who generally need t’ be seen by the scurvy-infested swine who are too busy texting their bff some bs about wtf an’ lmao than t’ steer their four-wheeled ships ahead without a wreck. arr!

image contributed by hellmart

here’s a scallywag nobody knows much about other than he follows a handful of sea-worthy blogs. thanks for swabbin’ the **** deck, CashOlicious.

Kawai Hideaki is another salty kraken. i demanded t’ add him t’ me matey manifest on fakebook. maybe he’ll choose t’ make the wrong decision an’ agree t’ me terms. yar de har har! thanks fer fishin’ with bikerMetric, swabbie.

there are rumors about port that HERB B has been following this pirateShip only. arr! he’s probably another french mutineer or maybe an investigator for nervous bankers. that’d be a scrappy battle!

hellmart helmet collection

antonio lives in tokyo an’ a mate of his cap’ns a ship called “time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” i’d have disliked bein’ the chum who had t’ paint that on his aft! still, i uncovered and procured the hidden treasure of helmets above from a shop called hellmart off his man-o-war. they have tons of old helmets they’ll refurbish an’ reupholster for ye “at ridiculous prices.” that’s how it is in japan an’ why i sail the caribbean. me blame is squarely aimed at th’ bankers.

Alex is a facebook pal an’ land lubbin harley tech in huntsville, alabama. he drives a kickass old international scout. f**k yar!

alex’s early 1960’s international scout

**** Powis is another fb bM page member like alex above. he digs brit chopper magazine an’ might swab th’ decks there. i’m uncertain. when discussing politics, **** says, “i’m f***ing ****** off with this f***ing government… bunch of greedy, back stabbing, lying, thieving, no good, politically correct f***ing useless bastards!” looks like one more privateer i must tip a few pints with whilst we plan an attack of an english fort.

Cj is the man behind guilty customs. for american vees, his builds are high quality an’ really well priced. not 50k, 24k. considering the cost of the motor, tranny an’ primary can easily be 15 grand, thar’s purty fair monetary demands. fer some reason he’s watching this metric mutiny. t’would be cool t’ see him chop or bob an xs or cb. thanks for hitting us up, cj. check out the guilty customs ship here, ye sea dogs.

bikerMetric’s head wench (doesn’t see it coming)

don’t know exactly how ed found our treasure but i’m glad he did. he’s an accomplished scrawler of words, an e.m.t., a nurse, an’ has a dog with one eye, three legs an’ no tail, which makes his dog a pirate! arr! he has a few blogs filled with glimmery swag, some about motorsickles, an’ ye can check his profile here or here t’ read more about the man an’ his dreamin’. thanks for signing up ed, we needed a qualified surgeon t’ carve out cannon ***** from many a powder monkey’s guts!

Juan signed up today. he’s got a 1979 suzuki gs425e he’s doing something to. right on, juan! yer doom be at hand, ye scrappy blowfish!

now that i’m sailin’ t’ the port o’ new orleans, i’m sharin’ somethin’ i dug out of the waves of the internet, which i surf’d the back of a shark to obtain through seas more rough than th’ crust on blackbeard’s ****. it’s named “before i die” an’ i pillaged a photo an’ link ye might surf t’ an’ read an’ learn yer way ’bout th’ world s’more:

before i die i want to _________

an’ t’ wrap up in a purty little bow, i’m remindin’ ye that atom bomb motorcycleshas “doctor who” fer sale. i’d pillage that fine motorbike an’ discover buried erotic treasures with all th’ wenches that would flock to me side if i was a thief of me matey’s treasures. instead, as a gesture of, oh f**k, my bad side’s goin’ t’ look clean now… fancy this anchor an’ decide if yer man enough t’ be cap’n of this mighty ship.

bikerMetricpirate sign

yar har har and i’m done with me rum!

Get the best of bikerMetric directly in your inbox, once a week, every week.