honda 1300 v-twin concepts of unmatched political incorrectness

i’ve written honda twice to get a press pass so i can get emails on what’s up with them to pass along to you guys. twice i have not received a response. maybe it’s posts that don’t suck their collective sushi roll, or maybe it’s the drunken ****** revolution poetry, i dunno. even though i rode and owned nothing but honda bikes for 22 years, they don’t even have the courtesy to tell me “no,” and that starts this incredibly opinionated article off in a bad way because now my back is itchy.

these pix have been floating around for a couple days. they’re concept bikes designed in honda’s american design studio outside los angeles. they are all based upon the vtx 1300cc v-twin motor. it’s a nice motor, but for the applications they’re showing here, i can only cry out for the discontinued 1800cc motor, which i know from owning one, was never beaten in a race less than a mile long by anything. not a v-rod. not a 110″ harley special. not a hayabusa 1300 inline four. not much beats 118 ft/lbs of torque off the rubber between stoplights.

stock bike. k&n air filter. slip-on exhaust. power commander with custom fuel map. boom. if it had a chain drive, it would have made 140 to 150 ft/lbs.

but honda refuses to do something innovative like the concept 2. the new concepts you are about to see are pretty bikes, especially the bagger…

(okay, i’ll wait while you wipe the shart off…. better now?)

…but the honda 1300 makes 60 ponies and 77 ft/lbs (source: motorcyclist magazine). my little xs650 twin gets at least 55 horsepower, according to limey. creating these bikes with that little motor is like giving a ***** extension to a dwarf. no, it’s like dressing up a dwarf to look taller. that’s it; a five-and-a-half foot tall dwarf with a tiny **** and cocktail wiener fingers.

man. my back is really, really itchy.

all right. now for the photo fun.

here is the first of three designs, “the furious:”

the name has already been mocked, but please, maybe honda is naming it’s bikes after viewing the big bear choppers website. you got a problem with that? big bear doesn’t.

the furious is really clean. i’m a fan of the low slung below-the-tank drag bar thing. i also like forward controls. the angles are great. the wheels are slick. it should go into production yesterday for 10.5k, but…

see that on the left? it’s a shaft drive on a hardtail chopper with a 45 degree rake. that’s like…. well…. it’s half-assed, that’s what it’s like.

it’s actually got a stock fury tank that’s painted purty, and the nice retro-mod five-spoke wheels are 23″ in front and 20″ at the rear. the proportions are great, the diamond-stitched seat is slick, and the exhaust flows perfectly with the frame. i like it except for two things.

1.  the motor should be 1800cc.
2.  give it a chain drive!

seriously. if you’re going to call it the furious, at least make it fast. it’ll gain at least 20% more power and since the bike probably weighs 600 pounds/270 kilograms (a stock fury weighs 670lbs/300kgs), an extra 12+ ponies will go far. 75hp or 60? what would you want? plus, it’s a f***ing hardtail. it isn’t like joe blow is gonna put a thousand miles a month on it and the “reliability” of the shaft is needed.

the shaft, indeed.

here’s the next concept. it’s a “pro drag” style bike with a chain drive (!) and that wussy little 1300. it’s called “the switchblade:”

the wheels and body are carbon fiber. the frame is a stock 2010 sabre frame. it has a three-way adjustable suspension which seems like putting a hat on the dwarf, and a single sided swing arm with a 535 chain. for what it is, it fits the bill well. kind of like an action movie starring that same dude, ol’ what’s his name. you know. you’ve seen it before.

i wonder, shouldn’t a “pro drag” bike have a 2-into-1 exhaust for a little more power? who’s a mechanic? not me. not the designer of this  machine. so honda reseach & development americas went to the drag races one afternoon to get out of the mass of cubicles. good for them. let’s count the mustard and nacho cheese stains on trendy tee shirts. hooray! flags and beer!

this whole piece is simply an angry rant about honda not manufacturing the vtx1800 any more, and that their cruiser/chopper styling is dated. they’ve done nothing innovative since the rune. all these bikes would have been giant hits at the turn of the century. before 9.11. before the suspension of habeas corpus. before katrina. before gas cost $3.50 a gallon (it was 1.50). before sarah palin and a black president. when everybody loved jesse james, brett favre, kobe, and thought muslim was a kind of fabric.

but it get’s better. according to honda, the switchblade “has a mass centralized proportion to reinforce this super sport assault.” i feel assaulted, all right. i bet prince would love this bike, though, and no, he’s not gay.

and at least he had his own style.

enter the third contempt, i mean concept, from honda’s socal team, “the slammer:”

the design, however impractical it is, i dig. it’s aggro. it’s blacked out. it’s clean. now to put a motor in it that will get it to 60mph/100kph in less than a minute.

the bike is based on the 2010 stateline. the motor, shaft drive, and frame are stock. the paint scheme doesn’t get justice in these photos.

get it? slammer? justice? ah, whatever….

anyway, the paint is two-tone, with satin metallic black and pearl black. it’s got a fully adjustable air-ride suspension, crossover twin pipe exhaust, some sort of snazzy navigation system and two speakers plus a 10″ subwoofer pumping 500 watts of power because if the motor isn’t going to annoy anybody, make the stereo do it!

the name slammer is likely what will happen to your teeth when the gorgeous 23″ front wheel crosses over a pebble and the fender smashes the headlamp. i suspect if this design ever sees production, something there will change. either the wheel diameter or fairing position.

read more at hondanews.com.

so what do you mofos think? i know i strayed from the standard garage-built bob, chop and cafe, but since nobody pays me i don’t owe anybody anything. dig em? hate em? cool? let your words be seen. click the comment link below.

thanks for your support.

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